Thursday, January 31, 2013

Husband for Hire

So back in November when the last Twilight movie came about I had to beg the husband (then fiancé) to take me to see it. He only finally succumbed to my plea after he and the father in law decided it would be less painfully for both of them if they took the mother in law and me together. Better to not “suffer alone”. He begrudgingly admitted that it wasn’t the absolute worst movie he’d ever seen… The first movie was.
Confession, I really love the Twilight movies… Whenever I’m having a bad day, it’s either Twilight or Harry Potter that goes into the DVD player. I’m also a fan of any movie made from a Nicholas Sparks’ book. The movies are my chocolate, my guilty pleasure… judge me.
The husband can’t stand it. Anytime the emotionless face of Kirsten Stewart or the hairy, pale chest of R-Patz fills our TV screen he rolls his eyes and leaves. He glares at me as I drool over the hills and valleys of Taylor Lautner’s abs and laughs when I whisper the words along with the movie. He just doesn’t get it but he accepts it.

So now to the actual story.

Back a few weeks ago I asked the husband to run to Walmart to grab me a few things. I can’t go to Walmart during normal shopping hours anymore, the stress of dodging shopping carts, fighting the urge to take pictures of “people of Walmart”, and waiting in line behind the mom with two carts, six kids, and a binder of coupons sends me into one of two things: a full fledge anxiety attack or total “B” mode. He accepted the challenge to brave it alone.

When the husband walked into the house and he was blushing! The husband is generally pretty stoned faced, considering I’ve been trying in vain for nine months to get him to jump up and down with excitement for something (not even the day we got engaged, picture proof… I’m jumping, he’s standing) blushing was something I never thought I’d see.
Hey babe, how was the store?
Fine… I have a story for you.

My version of the husband’s story (with my lovely commentary as well of course)
So I was just walking through Walmart picking up the things that I need and a bunch of giggling teenage girls run up to me. Really? You’re not the person that I would just run up to in the middle of the store… You don’t necessarily give off that warm fuzzy feeling. Whatever… Shut up! Exhibit A… Anyway, these girls run up to me giggling and tell me that they are doing a scavenger hunt and they need a picture of someone who looks like a famous person and I look like Edward so could they get my picture. Well you are pale enough to be a vampire. Yeah, I told them though that I actually look like Carlisle not Edward, I saw them again as they were leaving and they yelled “bye Carlisle!” the whole thing was kind of embarrassing. Wait… you corrected them on which vampire you look like? Well… no it’s not that I think I look like him, it was the girls in my mission, they called me Elder Carlisle. No no no… you just admitted that you know which vampire you look like and you have an opinion on it! Is that why you’re embarrassed? Because you corrected teenage girls on which Twilight character you look like? You’re right… that is embarrassing. Then he walked out of the room with the same expression he has when I’m actually watching the movies. I don’t think the husband thinks I’m as funny as everyone else does. 

I guess I see the resemblance...

So that’s the husband’s deep dark secret… HE IS TOTALLY A SCHOLAR OF TWILIGHT… he’s been caught, you may all tease him mercilessly now.

And this whole ordeal gave me the best idea. The husband is going out for hire! Nothing would top off a twilight themed birthday party better than a visit from a vampire! I’ll even throw in some contacts and glitter him up for you. Valentines is coming up, why not have your flowers delivered by “Carlisle”. Want to make the movie watching experience just a little more real, have a character sit next to you and share your popcorn. I think this is going to be a huge moneymaker. It’s going to be bigger than the books themselves. So, spread the word! I haven’t run my idea past the husband but I’m sure he’s going to be all for it.  

And random thought of the day... I really really miss this weather...

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